As I Watched Her

As I watched her...
Her hair was slowly moved by the wind,
as if it wanted to see her beauty.

As I watched her...
The sun shined brightly off her face,
as it slowly set from another long day.

As I watched her...
I long to touch her with all my passion,
as softly as a flower grows.

As I watched her...
I wanted to hold her once more,
only to leave her once again.

As I watched her...
I watched her cry
for the loss of my soul,
and I wished
I could
watch her

Dedicated to my soulmate
(Who Ever That is)
Written By Jay Spaan '85

The Kiss Of Life

I am me in need of discovery,
A secret yet to be found
a stone still settled in the ground.
You are you and I still in waiting
to encounter, in time of life's passions,
in times of honesty, I search for a thirsty soul.
As I wipe the tears of pain,
songs of madness linger through me,
I am not alone, you are reaching, touch my hand.
The kiss of life are the souls
that rest in our arms and touch
our own........

Dedicated to my soulmate
(Who Ever That is)
Written By Jay Spaan


If ye take her away I shall die....
However you cannot take what I never had.

Dedicated to the truth
Copyright @ 9-10-93
Written By Jay Spaan

The Kiss

Our lips gently touch,
Our souls softly join,
and the sweet smell of you
sends me into a world
that can be only be described
as ecstasy.

Dedicated to my soulmate
Written By Jay Spaan

Men Don't Cry

He will tell you men don't cry,
but late at night he weeps.
He will say he's unattached,
but the truth is he's in deep.
He will appear to be strong,
but one can make him break.
He will say he can handle it,
but he's had all he can take.
The thoughts are betrayed,
By the look in his eyes.
One can hear the pain in his silent cries,
But then he reaches for me,
and I take his hand.
To pull him toward me,
and do what I can.
I'll pull him close,
and whisper in his ear,
that I can promise,
I'll always be here.
Then he will smile,
and life will go on.
Next time I know,
We'll repeat this song.

Dedicated to ME, from you.
Written By Jay Spaan
Thinking Of You

If your the romantic type, come walk with me.

As the moonlight bounces off the water and touches the soul of another.

For a moment take a chance, Let go of your strings and fly with me.

I know it's hard to....some are affriad, but if you don't try.

How will you know if you have not lost something.
All that I ask is you try once.....

Dedicated to taking a chance
7-13-94 (wed. 7:59pm)
Written By Jay Spaan


I want to,
but I was warned at the door.
I must before I die....
However I'm not allowed.
I see her yet...
I must be blind.

Why must I always hold it in?
I want to reach, hold touch, have a simple kiss....
But I was warned at the door.
I inflict pain upon myself to keep it in,
Does anyone see it....
Does anyone care?
Will it go if I SMILE?
Am I the only one that can see my pain,
my tears,


Dedicated to ME, for my pain.
2-18-95 (11:55pm)
Written By Jay Spaan

Alone and Afraid

As I sit in the dark corners of my soul, alone and
afraid to reach for another.
I am scared, I have reached before,
only to be cut and stabbed.
I Wonder why must I always be in pain.
Will I ever be able to hold another so close as before?
I got what I bargained for, but not what I deserved.
Everyone I opened my gates to, wanders away,
And all that come to play don't stay.
The few that wish to plant seeds in my garden,
wish to bring weeds.
Has my garden seen its last rainbow, or
will the sun shine once again?

As I sit in the dark corners of my mind.

Maybe.......I hope.

Dedicated to me.
2-19-95 (12:20am)
Written By Jay Spaan

It comes without warning,
It grabs you until you smile,
Then it touches your soul,
Until you are one with the heaven of your heart.
As you come to this moment in time,
Nothing is real,
yet every touch,
every look,
every smell is more real than your last dying breath.
This moment In time,
Is the moment of truth,
the moment of magic,
and the one real moment of happiness.
Remember that even though it may seem like no moment can compare,
My dear, it can....... and it will.

Dedicated to Happiness(DUH)
Written By Jay Spaan

WANT IT?????

You got what you came for why must you stay?
You say that you love me,
Yet you won't set me free.
You take what you want,
say it's for love,
Never giving,
Never holding,
Always smiling with a sin.
You want to be true,
yet you never give in
If I ask for a look a touch,
or a simple kiss,
I ask for too much.
If I want your Love I have to be rough.
Is this what you want,
If so please.
I beg of you kill me now.
I ask for nothing more then a simple death,
Or do you wish to be selfish,
and take what you want until I am no more.
Well, you got it Now
(gun to head, squeeze trigger)

Dedicated For those that understand
@ 8-95
Written By Jay Spaan

First he made the present,
or the soul to some. Then he created the near-perfect
box, or body; human, he called it. Then, to make this
wondrous gift worth giving, he wrapped it, but all the
gifts weren't wrapped the same. Some were black,
some white, some tall, some small, some slim,
some with rims, but all in all, this gift was still
the same within.

At the end some pretend,
that the wrapping.....
was the gift.

Dedicated to the truth
Written By Jay Spaan

As I lay in the darkness of my room. I wonder where I've been and where I'm going. Am I walking thru life blind now? Or do I still have a map?

I had a map but when it rains ink runs.

Am I going the right way, do I get a guide? or must I always wonder? I'm in a tunnel now searching for the light. Are you the light?

or just a figment of my imagination?

Either way I will wait and see...until I'm either lead out or I bump into a wall.

Dedicated to Confusion of life
Written By Jay Spaan


I sit in silence wondering if,
I will always be alone,
Company may come,
but will I ever feel
the breath of my lover
on my neck when I sleep?

I sit in silence wondering if,
The scared little boy within,
will ever trust again.

I sit in silence wondering if,
The warm embrace of another
will ever come again.

I sit in silence wondering,
When no one knows I am.

I sit in silence wondering.........

Dedicated to ME
Written By Jay Spaan

Today....No Everyday

There she is her hair is long,
her smile is real,
her eyes are kind,
her Life is bright.
It feels right,
Now I have to speak.
No......Say "my name is"...No all wrong.
She's looking at me our eyes lock,
and for what feels like forever
we both find peace in this
look that lasts forever,
Then she smiles at me.....
She's getting up,
I look away....
I look back...
she's walking away....
I think to myself
"please don't go."
However Nothing is said,
I am too scared to speak....
What if I gave her my heart,
She might break it.

No I'll just be silent and wait

Wait for what you ask.....

Well, I don't really know.

I say this today.....No really I say this everyday.

Dedicated to All that have felt this.
(Advice take the chance)
Written By Jay Spaan
(Needs to be a song)

The Moment

In this moment,
nothing will be said,
no one will touch.
However we will both know,
with no doubt or thought
of mistake. I will feel
her deep within my soul,
and mine in hers.
The first kiss will last
a lifetime.
The wind in her hair
will touch my being.
The curve of her neck
will make me want her,
and when our eyes lock,
our souls will bind.
For that moment we will
become one:
one thought,
one heart,
one soul.

When this moment is over,
we will search no longer.
We have found the moment.
Now we must make more...
and we will.

Dedicated to my soulmate
(Who Ever That is)
Written By Jay Spaan


I miss......
A warm hug
deep, passionate kisses
long, lasting looks
the sweet smell
that always stays
heartfelt talks
long, endless walks
someone to cuddle
someone to lay next to
Just someone to be.
I miss......

I feel so.....

Dedicated to the lonely people
Written By Jay Spaan

The Magic Kiss

The moment before is tense, but sweet.
Our eyes lock, our souls join,
and with the next moment,
the magic is unleashed.
In the touch, nothing is here,
yet we become one
with all around us.
When this moment is done,
the magic kiss is complete,
Yet it is not over.
Your eyes stay closed,
your mouth is open.
Our souls unite
As one.

We will stay one from this moment on,
even after the moment of The Magic Kiss.

Dedicated to my soulmate
(Who Ever That is)
Written By Jay Spaan

Olive Juice

You wonder what I feel,
I wonder how to tell.
This feeling that I feel is real,
But how....Do I know?
You may not believe me,
How do I explain....
It feels like ecstasy exploding from within.
I want to hold you,
Kiss you,
touch you,
feel you near.
That magic kiss,
The bridge between souls,
that fills up your insides
over flows in the end.

This is how I feel,
as near as I can Explain.
All that is left....Now
Yes, or NO???

Dedicated to the Question
Written By Jay Spaan


Her eyes envied my soul
with a glance.
The sight of her neck
and the smell of her hair
touches my being from within.
As she puts her arms around me,
and whispers in my ear.
She speaks those words I'm longing to hear.
This fills me up
with joy and
flows away in the end.

Dedicated to want more then just a hug
Written By Jay Spaan

I love you More......

I love you more,
than the stars are bright,
more than eyes can see,
More than the gift of touch.

See I love you more than life it self,
Because you are my all and
everything in between.

Dedicated to YOU!
Written By Jay Spaan

Voices In the darkness......

I pick up the phone, calling the world of voices,
are they real?
Should I be scared?
Is this how the blind see the world?
with no touch,
no smell,
Nothing but sound?
Could they fall in love,
Could I?
What is truly from the heart,
Or just love......
Love of thought.
Love of the soul.
Love that reaches into your being and smiles.
Is that the same?
Or is it insane?
Is it fantasy?
Or is it real?

What is real?
Or thought?

I ask but once....Voices in the darkness....

Come into the light.

Dedicated to Phone Chat Love
Soon to be Internet Chat Love
Written By Jay Spaan

Love me NOT

He asks me to stop looking at his sins of the past.
While reminding me of mine.
He wants to befriend me, While stabbing me in the back.
He's crueler then the world could ever be, trying to teach me how it is going to be.

He states he loves me yet, He won't let me cry.
Only wimps cry...................Men don't cry.

He drinks his life away.
He tries to teach me how to be honorable, yet he dies a little each day with his disease.
His disease of life.
All that I ask is that he loves me.......Yet.

He states he loves me yet, He won't let me cry.
Only wimps cry...................Men don't cry.

When it's all over and I look in his lifeless eyes, I'm the one who feels sorry. Sorry for not........
Sorry for not......all that I ask is that he loved me, But love me NOT.

He states he loves me yet, He won't let me cry.
Only wimps cry...................Men don't cry.
I'm the one who feels sorry.
Sorry for not..........

Dedicated to My Father
(A future that hopefully will never happen)
Written By Jay Spaan

The Music

I see my future in her eyes, I look out the window and smile,

feeling proud I've found her, will she stay,

am I doing her right with my actions.
She sweats with a frown, as she looks at me,

I want to reach out and hold her tight.

As a smile  slips on her face, I wonder if the music will always be this great.

The dusty fan blows her hair from her face.
When I wonder if I'm right,

I look at her and know she loves me and the world is here in her arms.

As a smile  slips on her face, I wonder if the music will always be this great.

I thought heaven was a place you go when you die,

then I must be dead, Cause nothing could be better then this.

As a smile  slips on her face, I wonder if the music will always be this great.

Her arms are wrapped around my heart, it's her touch that blesses me at night.

As a smile  slips on her face, I wonder if the music will always be this great.

And then......I know.

Dedicated to A future that never came to be
Written By Jay Spaan

The Years Of Hate

The sins my father has done, seem to disappear in my smiles,
as he looks at me for the last time.
I miss him,
Blaming my mother for my loss,
wanting him to come back.

The sins of the past are not real,
the sins of the past are not real,
the sins of the past are not real,
Are they?

As my mother struggles to live a lonely life,
knowing no one is good enough to fill my void of him,
but also knowing,
neither is he.

The sins of the past are not real,
the sins of the past are not real,
Are they?

I hurt her with every hateful word,
that I feel,
at the time.
I hate her for leaving him,
for tearing us apart.

The sins of the past are not real,
Are they?

As I grow to be a man.
I learn who he was,
who he is.....
And Now after all this time
I know why......

The sins of the past are not real....
Until now.

For the years to come I try....
My hardest to make up,
for all that has been lost in the years of hate.
As the sins of the past seen and not.....
Heard and not,
Are now....
A reality....

Knowing it was never his fault that
and I alone,
did what was done.
Finally I say....

I love you.

Dedicated to My Mother
(For the years lost in my hate)
Written By Jay Spaan

The Hurt Circle

She loves me.
I love her.
We love each other.
She loves him.
She wants him.
She wants me.
He wants her.
He loves her.
I want her.
He had her, he hurt her.
She left him, that hurt him.
Hurting him, hurts her.
She loves me, while loving him,
That hurts me, while hurting him.
She wants me, that hurts him.
She wants him, that hurts me.
When I hurt, she hurts.
When he hurts, she hurts.
It hurts her to want "US."

Dedicated to the pain of loving one that loves another
Written By Jay Spaan

The Day my soul died

As I walk in the room, hearing voices,
wondering if they're real or just  memories of my past,
Sadness falls,
As I hear those voices grow louder.
I notice a tear run down my face,
wondering where my heart was when this happen.
I remember the day my soul died,
I feel as if the lord above is laughing,
with each passing day of my pain.
Why is it the good die young,
and the evil live long?

As the voices fade, I feel alone,
No one to hold.............when I feel the pain.
No one to smile with..............when I laugh.
No one to feel inside of me................................
As our souls meet in the darkness.........
Because you see.............

No one is there.

Dedicated to my soul mate
Written By Jay Spaan

(This might make you laugh and cry)


She looked at me for the first time in a dream.
The next time my eyes were,
Blessed with the sight of her,
was in a vision,
a vision of love.

Her eyes were the doorway to passion,
Her lips upon my cheek was the sweet taste of  ecstasy,
Her soul was something I wished to taste,
But never would.

I was granted the gift of friendship,
wanting more with every look,
Begging silently for the taste of love,
Knowing it may never come.

Still with hope,
I knew nothing,
would ever come.

She would always say,
I was her true friend,
Could I feel this way?

I could live with just one kiss,
to dream about for all my years.
But how would I get this true friend to kiss?

The day had come when I would be blessed with a kiss
I was sad,
yet happy.
It was at....

Her wedding.

(damn, maybe I should kill the groom)

Dedicated to Making you Smile
Written By Jay Spaan

Jay's Passion

What kind of passion is it you seek, the kind that fills your soul with one kiss?
The kind that makes you want more then you have ever had?
The kind that fills up your insides and makes you feel whole?

Or the kind you dream of that no one on earth can touch....for it's so wonderful this passion of fantasy that only those with winged horses may feel it?

What is it you seek that makes you flee....that makes you so afraid, to just talk to me?
What is this passion you seek, is it something you've found or are you still seeking?
Is it something you see in a face or a look....

Is it a touch or a warm breeze, Or is it just something you feel without warning, something that sneaks up on you when your not seeking it? And if this is where it is most often found are you seeking it in me and if not should you be........

Dedicated for the one that reads it.
Written By Jay Spaan
(Needs to be a song)
This Poem wasn't written, because it really happened.
No instead it was written in hopes that it will.

Last Night

When we first met,
I was scared to talk.
Fearful that my words
would make you flee.
So I spoke nothing,
I looked upon you and wished.......
Wished for what seemed like forever.
Seeing only the angel of my dreams,
Believing I had no chance with you.
I stayed in silence.
Silence.......Not one word was spoken.
Just wishful thinking.

Then out of nowhere I spoke to you.

You smiled, while I talked.
Every unspoken word made me think the worst.
Your smile, kept me talking,
Kept my legs from walking away in fear.
Your smile, is my hope.

If I could have seen this future.
Do you really think I would have waited?

Dedicated to my Dream Angel
Written By Jay Spaan

This poem wasn't written, because that really happen,
No instead it was written in hopes that is will.

Smile Across Souls

Her smile, makes me want to reach over and hold her tight, because it's not a happy smile, it's a smile that is for just show. So that most people think she's happy, And sometimes I think she might even be happy....

But I know she longs for more,

knowing she's only going to get what she's got. When we first met, she caught me singing to her,

In that Smokey Bar. I wasn't sure weather she liked that or not, still don't know, I know she knows I like her, but she has someone. Not that it matters, cause nothings written in stone.
When, our eyes meet I feel something everytime, wanting so much to touch, kiss, hold, just feel her near. With that look not only do I want so much, I also can feel in her eyes, she wants it to. Then she looks away, and nothing is said, she does smile a little knowing I saw it to.
I saw the Smile across souls, and each and every time I am blessed with that smile is a great moment, a moment I will never regret. Sadly I fear that is all I shall ever get.

Dedicated to a Smile
Written By Jay Spaan
The way it happened

I was driving,
Just driving with no place to go.
I turned left, right....then straight for a while.
then out of no where I turned right.
there I stood in my car gazing at the ocean.
The sun shined off it...on a cool December. morning.
I got out of the car....and walked right to the ocean.
As the waves curled gently against the warm sand.
I yelled at the sun and sky.....why me.....why here....?

::::Nothing was said back::::

Then out of nowhere, seeming, a voice said "hello"
I turned around and there she was....My dream girl.
Then I awoke.
And realized I was still 12.

Dedicated to someday
© 12-1-2000
Written By Jay Spaan

If you love my poetry, And seek to read more contact me and I'll see what I can do for ya. Below is "Who I seek"

Or you can "click here to see me"

Click this for Who I seek.....